I need to Blog more

As I sit at Cafe Luche, with my delightful Latte, with a shape of a leaf in it my heart is romanced. I randomly decided to reread my Australia blogs and I remembered everything. My heart and my head are overflowing with so many thoughts, ideas, longings, memories that I decided it would be really healthy for me to blog about it, and blog more. It is about remembering, and sharing with people what is happening. And I feel a blog helps me organize it all. So here we go.

Lately I have wanted to go somewhere. To run away. I thought it was because I was bored with the monotany of my everyday life, but I have realized that I want to run. I want to get out and fight everything God is doing in my life and everything I doubt he can do. It all seems to much, and I am in a place where the lie feels true. In Australia God exposed me, and then in my vulnerable state he held my hand and said "I am still here, I still love you and choose you."

I want that feeling again.

But I am seeing how I have chosen to believe the lies of my fears, the lies of my past. And in the darkness I have chosen, I hid. I dont want to open up to God or to people, because I myself dont believe I am worth anything.

I am Eve, hiding in the forest.

Hiding from the one who just wants to love me.

And in the hiding I shake with fears, I shake with shame.

I am going to chose today to step out of the forest. To still be afraid, but not to live in fears. To find God when he calls me, and to believe and trust God that what he says is true.